Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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