so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
