I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
