i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
