my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
