my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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