i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
