dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
