Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
