I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
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Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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