Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wear drunk well.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
