just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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