One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
