i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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