I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
