mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
