Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
