I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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