In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
