Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I party with great urgency now.
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