I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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