I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
