Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
