rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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