I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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