Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
