6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
