i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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