You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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