He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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