READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Randomize
