My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
