She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I could make wine with my vomit
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
