Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Less talking, more tequila
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
