mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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