wanna go halves on a baby?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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