Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
