My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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