went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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