oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize