Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
