Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
