Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
either way he was missing a nipple.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
