"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
