remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
