I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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