its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
