Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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