omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
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we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
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The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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