he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
