My Higher Power is John Stamos
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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