the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
