Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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