Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
