Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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