ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
