between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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