Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
